The Human

RECORD

Name: Shia LaBeouf
Alias: ['973-eht-namuh-973', 'HoneyBoy', 'The Human', and 7 unknown...]
Classification: Artificial Organic Computer
Race: Human
Gender: Male
Birth: 6/11/1986
Biological Age: 34 Earth Years
Chronological Age: N/A
SCAN Rank: | A A
           | A B
TIIN Rank: | B C
           | C B
Reviewer Rank: 3 stars
Organizations: 
  - 973-eht-namuh-973.com
  - Hollywood
Occupations:
  - Actor
  - Hype Man
Relationships:
  - The Honey
Variables:
  $CANNIBAL: -0.80 | # We hope not, but all the evidence seems to indicate he is.
  $WOKE:     +0.40 | # He seems partially-woke.

TRIGGER

Running for you life (from Shia LaBeouf)

He’s brandishing a knife (It’s Shia LaBeouf)

Lurking in the shadows

Hollywood superstar Shia LaBeouf

Living in the woods (Shia LaBeouf)

Killing for sport (Shia LaBeouf)

Eating all the bodies

Actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf

— from Rob Cantor - “Shia LaBeouf”

ECO

The Human is a champion of mankind; a defender of the weak, and a protector of the innocent.

He just needs to feed from time to time.

ECHO

Counting all the assholes in the room

Well I’m definitely not alone, well I’m not alone

You’re a liar, you’re a cheater, you’re fool

Well that’s just like me, and I know you too

Mr. Perfect don’t exist, my little friend

And I tell you that again, and I do it again

Counting all the assholes in the room, Well I’m

Definitely not alone, well I’m not alone

— from Volbeat - “Still Counting”

PREDICTION

The Human has found his HoneyGirl.